I'm Homecoming Queen. I'm Homecoming Queen, my date was Homecoming King, and Dad got me an internship at his company this summer running between the office and the stock market (the stock market--I mean, the job itself is a step above grunt work, but I get to go to the real live Dow Jones every day).

I'm the Homecoming Queen. The faculty thinks I'm awesome because I let Mom and Drew bully me into staying on Mathletes because it looks BAMF for college admissions. The think I'm so cool because I go to math meetins in my cheerleading uniform. Like I don't cross my fingers every day that Corinne and Company don't toss me out for being such a loser or that I hold my breath to make sure I don't breathe in too much nerd. Like I don't know how what I'm gambling every day.

But I'm Homecoming Queen. Looks like I'm playing with house money now.

I've been dating. Not too much, though, but Irv Hirsch asked me out for Friday night, which was pretty awesome. He's cute. He's not a total douchecanoe like Steve Randazzo or a jock jackass like Todd Long--and no offense to Penny, Irv never slept with Mallory Pike. Ew?

The point isn't that I got asked out--if that was journal-worthy, I'd have an entry every day, come on--it's that I haven't fallen in luv in a while. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm flirting a lot, and this summer, I hooked up with Ethan and with this guy in Dad's building who was going to Cornell in the fall and then some male model I met at one of Sam's shoots that MA said looked too much like a girl, but she's been in love with the same standard-issue athlete for years, she has proven herself to have no taste in men. Oh, and then I went back to Ethan. I've always been way confident with guys, I've always dated around, but I usually get those super huge crushes that drive me kind of crazy, but right now? Nothing. I'm excited that Irv's asked me out, I like him, I think he's cute, but...that's it.

Is this me just becoming mature? Or is this me, just totally bored of dating the same kinds of guys over and over? Is there a different type than the jock or the artist, the small town boy or the city sophisticate? And if there is, why can't I find him?

Well, I'm a cheerleader. I know that the BSC girls are like wtf that I'd try out again, but I'm going in smarter. Older and wiser. I know how the Group works, and I know that when you climb the popularity ladder, you have to expect getting a kick in the teeth and falling right off. But I've got friends who aren't totally popular, and I'm friends with, like, Kristy so the way unpopular, too; I could go back to Mathletes. Unlike Andi, if this blows up in my face, I'm not going to be Little Girl Lost. I'm too smart to not know that the world doesn't begin and end with the pom-poms.

I like to think of this as a high-risk investment: I want a high yield in popularity, so I'm shoving my assets into some risky stock. I know some of the girls don't get it, they don't get why being popular is so important, and it's because I know I'm a shitload more than being something second-rung. It's like taking a two percent return on your investments when you can cross your fingers and go for five. Yeah, you may lose it all, but...but. I believe in myself to risk it. I've hung out with these people for a while now, I'm ready. I know what I want, and I'm ready. I won't be the dumbass who was stunned she got fucked over back in 8th, I'm smarter.

I'm a cheerleader. Go me.

I'm not even alive right now--haven't had enough coffee--but Christian is asleep, so I'm grabbing a few seconds while I can, ZombieStacey or not. So Christian has an ear infection, and Samantha has a cold, so she could barely manage it all last night as he howled for hours straight. Here comes Stacey to the rescue: she took some codeine, and I took care of my little brother.

It sucked. I know we learned this lesson in the BSC, but it bears repeating: babies are fucking annoying. Cute as hell, but so demanding! And they always need something! I mean it, I'm considering an IUD just to make totally sure that I never pop one of those guys out before it's time.

Still, it's my brother, and of course I stayed up all night to rock him and watch Mary Poppins in the hope the singing would sooth him (verdict: actually, a little! Mary fixes everything. I mean, it's not my favorite movie anymore because, duh, but she's still my go-to girl). Of course I gave him the medicine every two hours, of course I didn't get any sleep to take care of him. I know the BSC girls think I'm all shallow anymore, all Group and boys, but how could I ever be "too cool" for Christian?

All I ever wanted was a little brother or sister, but my parents were too busy bickering to get that done. Maybe if they had had more kids, they would have fought less, since they would have been focusing on another kid and another kid's problems. I mean, maybe. My entire night was about Christian, because that's what it means to parent. Maybe, if there had been more kids to take up their life, they never would have gotten divorced. I don't know...maybe.

So Brent and I broke up. Big duh, considering how I was with Scott the Lifeguard in Sea City, but--it's a larger thing. Boys have always wanted me. Why wouldn't they? I'm relatively hot, I've got great hair, and I dress better than almost anyone in the district. I might not be the sweetest or the most charming or the smartest, but most guys don't much look that far below the surface at first, which is both good and bad, and for all of my bitching about not being taken seriously...yeah, that's hypocritical of me to like how boys can be superficial, but whatever. It makes me complex! Right?

Anyway, my point is, guys always want me, and when they do, it's like a drug. I just get addicted to their attention, and I get all strung out and bitchy or selfish and hoggy for it. I said some shit things to the girls this week, but they were right--this isn't the first time I've become Boy Crazy Stacey, who dumps her girlfriends in a heartbeat. And as much as I'd like to sit here and pretend I've learned my lesson...come on, I'll do it again.

I don't do drugs. I don't get wasted every weekend. I'm nice to little kids and old people. I'm loyal to my friends, even Kristy who is socially seven miles underneath me and Anna who goes to another school and MA who knits on the beach. In the scheme of things, is it really such a sin that I get a little blind when a boy drools my way?

Just...next time, the lesson is, pick a guy that really likes me back, not somebody who's just using me for ass, like Scott.

So Prom was a massive, huge, gigundo success: people are still hung up on it, and it's how many days after? After the shit Sheila put me through, yeah, I totally needed this. And I don't know, there's this part of me that thrives on being more than what people think I am. Oh, I'm just some New York snob...so I baby-sit and really do great things with kids. Oh, I'm just some prissy popular girl...so I stay on the stupid nerdastic Mathletes. Oh, I'm just a party girl...so I rock the hell out of Prom. Maybe it's because I'm so "boy crazy," I like showing people that I sure as hell don't have shit for brains. Maybe that makes me a brat, but I don't care. I like it.

And I like Brent. I luv Brent, I do, and sleeping with him at Afterprom was amazing and perfect. It was just right for our first time. And he says he luvs me, and I told him that I luv him, but--I mean, I'm Group now. And I'm going to New York all summer, and he's going to tennis camp all summer, and...I don't know. Maybe luv's got nothing to do with it. We'll see.

I mean, really: isn't summer the real time for Boy Crazy Stacey to shine?

Treasurer
Pro
♥ Money!
♥ Telling people what to do with money!
♥ It's math. Rock.
♥ It's basically what I do at Mom's boutique's books, but on a smaller scale
Con
♥ It's basically what I do at Mom's, but without pay and on a smaller scale
♥ What will impress colleges more? "ASG Treasurer" or "Worked as Accountant"?
♥ Isn't this a total BSC flashback?

Homecoming Chair
Pro
♥ Hello, if I can do Prom, I can so do Homecoming
♥ I like school spirit-y stuff
♥ If I'm still dating Brent, he's on the football team, so it'll be extra fun
♥ Ditto on if I try out for cheerleading again and make the squad
♥ It might help me be Homecoming Queen, if everybody knows I'm the girl behind it
Con
♥ It's potentially two people? After the BULLSHIT that Sheila's been pulling on me? I don't know if I can work as a team with someone who sucks.
♥ Brent and I might break up badly, and I might want to shoot him instead of doing nice things for him.
♥ Ditto if I don't make cheerleading

But. It might help me become Homecoming Queen. Hmm.

Lemme see if I can't find someone to run with. Speaking of: I guess I'm the one who gets to pick the appetizers at Prom. Thanks, Sheila. Remind me to call Corinne tonight and rant about how much Sheila MacAlcoholic sucks my ass. Bitch.

So Laine punched Andi. Well: "punched," the only thing I think Laine really knows how to punch are the buttons at an ATM. But brava, way to smack at the girl who got beaten up by her boyfriend. For all of her sophisticated talk, Laine's...pretty trashy a lot of times. Thankfully I'm around to keep the sophisticate bar raised high. Man. But I mean...bros over hos, I'm on Laine's side to a point. And this point matters, since I've been cheated on not once but twice, though the thing with Pierre and his Vermont hussy isn't exactly the same.

Laine can be pissed at Andi all she wants: I don't doubt she was snide, Andi totally has that side to her. And Andi Gentile has a history of going after guys in relationships--she's kinda shady that way, but at this point, she's just kinda of pathetic overall with guys, and we all know it. Whatever. Here's what's bugging me: Andi went after Robert and Andi went after Pete...why are we so pissed at her? She's a bit of a ho like that, but the real assholes are Robert and Pete, hands down. Robert and Pete were in relationships and they cheated. They didn't have the guts to break up with us when they had feelings for another girl, nor did they have the ability to reign their sex drives in to not cheat. Robert didn't play the martyr card like Pete does, which makes me glad that we don't talk anymore, Pete's kinda slimy and self-righteous--which, actually, helps me get why Laine had a thing for him. Had. Has. Whatever. She's kind of attracted to douchebags, and Pete's kinda douchey anymore, so...

And Robert. Robert who I just will never understand anymore. Robert really hurt me, and what have I done? Made out with him again. I mean, what?! I told myself that I was just having fun, but a little bit of me justifies it by saying that Robert hurt me once upon a time not because of him but because of her. What is with us girls when we do that? Why do we go back to guys who hurt us so bad? Because they've changed? Because love conquers all?

I went back to Pierre after he hurt me, twice. And for the first time in a long time, I doubted myself when he broke my heart that third time. He made me feel bad about myself, that raging douchebaggy fucker, he made me feel bad about me--I was flirting with Dave Reporter, I mean...what?! Boys cheat and boys lie and instead of kicking them to the curb and getting a fresh new piece of awesome, we pick them up and dust them off for a second and let them back inside. Like a feral cat.

All I know is? With Brent? If he cheats on me. If he lies to me. If he pulls any shit?

I won't just dump him: I'll send Laine to knock him out.

I think back to when I almost became a cheerleader. The lesson I learned when I close the cover on that chapter is that popularity has its dark side: the seedy underbelly of academic favors, the total bitchiness of Girl World. I stood up for my principles, and I ended the day with a great boyfriend and my real friends behind me, blah blah.

What would have happened if I had made the team? If Corinne hadn't been all pissed that Robert liked me? I would have made the team--I was already getting along great with Sheila and some of the other girls...

I would have been a cheerleader, who are we kidding. I would never have let Jason Fox breathe on my homework, I probably wouldn't have cut class...I think...I wouldn't have been a superbitch like Corinne, but come on, I'm not Mary Anne, I'm not going to be friends with everybody because not everybody can dress, you know? I probably would have left the BSC when Logan and Abby did, I probably would have drifted from them. Except for Claudia, but Claudia's always been different. Maybe I would have gotten close again to Mary Anne, when she got back with Logan. And I'd go to the same parties as Abby, though I'd probably avoid her when she was being weird. But I wouldn't be having coffee with Kristy or caring about what Dawn was up to. And in that respect, I'm cool with how everything worked out.

But I feel like I've been hovering in this weird limbo since we got to high school, like I haven't being Popular just because. Like I have some weird loyalty to my eighth grade self and her Big Stand for Equality. I didn't much care about that shit when I tried to make over Tess (which--whatever, she should be thanking me for trying) or with the whole Jeremy bullshit. I feel like I've been feeling like hotter shit than I actually am: I'm not a Group member. If I go to their parties, it's because they aren't Group exclusive--or because I flirt myself an invite from like...Todd Long or Loag asks me along. And I'm kinda tired of that. I want on the guest list, always. I'm tired of hanging.

Maybe it isn't eighth grade me whose all judgy? It's BSC me. But the BSC is long and dead, all hail the BSC, so why do I care about the morals we preached from inside Claudia's bedroom? We weren't always right. Sometimes, we were dead wrong, cliquey, and pretty damn judgmental ourselves. I'm not the same girl I was then: I know that there are a lot more sophisticated colors than black and white, thanks, and I stopped perming my hair long ago.

No: maybe I am the same girl, the girl who wanted to be a cheerleader, who tried to leave the club but slunk back when she was once burned. I want to be popular, finally. I'm not going to be twice shy if a chance comes my way again.

Not to pat myself on the back for too long (especially since the ASG people are way too quick to remind the class chairs that they were in charge, the killjoys), but Valentine's Day was a massive success! The seniors beat the juniors in total sales, but...they have more students than us, duh? But we had the highest gross per student, though nobody would listen to me when I calculated that.

I don't know. In all of my moping, I guess I forgot how much I really miss being...active again. We did so much back in middle school, I gave myself ninth grade to chill out a little, and then I got so wrapped up in Pierre, I think I forgot how much I can really do.

And from the amount of white carnations I got? How many boys are really out there! Ethan offered to take me to the dance tonight, but really, I think I want to go on my own, see what happens. Or--actually, who. I mean, maybe a reporter will sweep me off my feet? He did give me a rose...

Funny how much can change in a year. Last year my resolutions were to be more tolerant of Sam - which I definitely am, especially since Christian was born. (We won't include the spring when I wasn't speaking to her or my father. Time heals all wounds!) And I also said that I wouldn't complain about helping Mom at the store, which I haven't out loud.

My other "resolution" was to get a boyfriend. And I did, and he was amazing. I fell in love, and I had my heart broken. And I'm back in the same place where I was last year, when I made those resolutions.

I'm not going to make a resolution this year. I'm just going to let things happen.

I'm a little sad that Midsummer Night's Dream is over, I had tons of fun working on it, and it went very well. It's nice to say that all my friends and family came to see me - Dad and Sam even brought Christian to the show today!

The only person I didn't see in the audience was Pierre. I guess it really is over. And so I don't feel bad about giving Cary Retlin his keys.

It's hard to believe that when I first found out that Sam was pregnant, I didn't want a baby. Heck, even before she was pregnant, when they moved into the new apartment, and I figured the third bedroom wouldn't always be an office.

But even after my all-too brief time with Christian today, I'm sorry for ever thinking those thoughts. It's funny how even after just knowing him a few hours, I love him more than I ever thought could be possible. I have a baby brother!!

And, despite finding out about him on my sixteenth birthday, despite the silent treatment I gave my father, despite every negative thought I've had about becoming a big sister - I wouldn't change anything.

I love you, Christian!! ♥♥♥

What does it mean that Mom has a picture of T-JAM in her wallet? I mean, I like Drew and all, but isn't it too early to have photos of HIS SON in her wallet? Jeez, he'll probably end up stealing it before the year's over, anyway.

And does that mean thar he wasn't lying on the boards and that Drew has a picture of ME in his wallet? Oh my lord, how embarassing.

It's strange to say it, but in a way, I'm glad that we got stranded. Nevermind the fear, Logan gettng sick, and all the other worries. I don't want to relive that. No, I'm glad because I saw that when I go to college, Mom will be fine without me. Drew will be there for her. I think my being missing brought them closer together - obviously, since she spent all her time at his place!

Drew's good for Mom, and I'm happy that they're happy. If only he didn't come with a delinquent son.

Pierre's back in Stoneybrook. I have no idea how long he's been back, or who he's talked to - but he's here. I saw him tonight. And he still hasn't spoken to me. I could make excuses when he was in Paris, but I saw the look on his face. He got my voicemail, and he has nothing to say to me.

I guess it really is over.

There are two scenarios. One of them has definitely happened to me at Camp Mohawk.

Scenario number one involves one of my best friends breaking the girl code and going after one of my exes. After he and I tried it again. And not long after he "dumped" me (if you can call it getting dumped when you weren't even dating?) via email.

And number two involves another of my best friends making up a lie about the first best friend, possibly as a way to be my only best friend.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe. I don't want to think bad things about either Rachel or Claudia, but one of these things is the truth. And I don't even know which one I hope it is.

But, if I learned anything from whatever happened with Pierre (aside from the fact that OH MY LORD I miss him and it should NEVER have happened) is that things can get out of hand quickly. So I will deal with this calmly and rationally, and I will go straight to the source as soon as she gets back from camp.

Mom just got out of the shower, and Rach is digging through my makeup bag. Mom's leaving for her date with Officer Drew in half an hour, and she is going to look HOT.

I just can't believe she almost blew it, waiting so long to call him. I mean, I'm touched that she wanted to wait until I got home from Utah, but you can't wait over a week to call a guy! That shows that you're not interested!

That's how I know that RJ's not interested - it's been two weeks, and I haven't heard from him. Although that might be a good thing. Did he really think that I would want to go fishing? UGH.

But that's okay. Yes, I had fun with RJ, but there were no sparks. As much as I hate to say it - he wasn't Pierre. He didn't comment on my clothes (he said I looked good, which was a nice gesture, but such an empty compliment.) He only talked about himself and sports. And the movie was something that I'd take Char to.

But I guess that's the "joy" of being single. You've gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince, right? And you have to suffer the consequences when you send your price back to the pond. Sigh.

In the meantime, though, it's Mom's time to shine. And I'm happy for her, she seems really excited - I can hear her singing right now. She deserves this. She's barely dated since the divorce, and since I'm at a lull in the romance department, I think her turn is overdue.

Perspective is a funny thing. I thought my life was the most terrible one ever. I haven't spoken to my father in almost two months, I found out that Pierre was nothing but a liar, I have diabetes.. I mean, the last couple months, my life has been one big sob story.

But when one of your oldest friends tries to -- well, I know what she did, and I doubt I'll ever forget, so I don't need to write it down. It's been on my mind ever since Logan told me about it. I mean, here I am, wallowing in self-pity, but I never though, I could never.. Things have never been so bad that I wanted it all to end.

Mary Anne was one of my biggest worries, and she's getting the help she desperately needed. I've given Pierre back all his stuff, so there's no need to dwell on that anymore - it sucks, it hurts, and I miss him.. but sometimes things have to end. (Especially when he turns out to be nothing but a liar. That's not good for my mental well-being.) I actually got a decent sleep last night, and though I forgot to check my blood sugar yesterday (it's the first time that's ever happened, so I'm not worried.) I feel fine.

Now, it seems like the only unresolved problem is Dad. And by the end of the day, I won't let that be unresolved any more.

I feel so helpless, like there's nothing in my life that I can control. Maybe on their own I'd be able to deal, but it's just like they're all heaping on me at once, suffocating me.

( Uncontrollable. )

All these things are constantly pressing on my brain, and I'm lucky if I wrangle an hour of sleep a night, I'm not even lying. Yet I'm still running late in the morning and only manage to choke down fruit on my run to school, I'm skipping lunch so I can nap in a cubicle at the back of the library. Needless to say, my blood sugar has been low the last couple days. Oh, and I failed a math test on Friday (who gets 38 in an honours class?!) because I could barely keep my eyes open. I get a retest on Wednesday, but I don't know if I'll do much better.

I just don't know what to do.